The Last Summer

It was the last summer. The last summer to see you. Slowly you were slipping away, but you felt even farther with the barrier of the gowns and masks. You were sick, and I was afraid. I was afraid that each time would be the last. Each time worse than the next. I couldn't bare to watch. I knew it was coming, but I ignored it. I ignored you.

As a kid, I was always embarrassed by you. I was embarrassed to show affection towards you because you were different. Everyone else had a mother and a father, but I only had you. My old, unhygienic, grandfather. Looking back, you had loved me like a father, and you always did your best. Though at the time it didn't feel like it was enough. Everything about me was different from all the other kids. Our family dynamic, my hair, even my name. No one could spell my name right. I hated being so noticeably different from all the other kids in my class. Growing up mixed with white parents in such a predominately white town produced issues I could never begin to understand as a kid. But you always stood up for me, and made sure everyone treated me right and respectfully.

Now I am alone. Without your presence here I am back to being the outside, the racial slurs have picked up and she does nothing. Without you to put your foot down, she just watches, and enjoys my discontent. Nothing I ever do will be good enough for her, or any of them. You always pushed me to be the best I could, and when I failed you still praised me for trying. Everyone is waiting for me to fall, but you always were there to catch me. Hitting rock bottom sure hurts without you to soften the blow.

This summer I will be on my own. Moving out of this place is scary, not knowing if I will make it, but I know it has to be better than living here. Living ever moment in fear of what they are going to do next. Threats hurled, not knowing which ones are empty, and which ones are loaded. Everyone is blaming me for their own downfall. Everything. With everyone and everything against me, I am terrified. But I know, deep down, I will be okay. You taught me how to be okay. To push myself and to figure out and solve any challenges I am faced with. When in doubt, Duck-tape.

That last summer I had many regrets. I wished I had visited more. I wish I had fixed my mistakes. I wish I had chose so many things differently. But I am glad for the last day I saw you. I am glad I managed to tell you how I felt. I am glad I got to hear how you felt, that you were happy for me and all my accomplishments. That you were proud of me.

#TheLastSummer