Mirror

I can't think of anything worse. Maybe a camera, I hate photos too. I hate looking at myself. I can't think of anything worse in the world. I don't know why I'm like this, just always have been, as long as I can remember. Even at a few years old, nothing I hated more than a camera in my face. Except mirrors.

Any mirrors in my room I used to cover with a sheet. A stranger may have thought I had an overactive imagination, seeing monsters in the mirror at night. But the only monster I ever see in the mirror is me.

I don't think im absolutely hideous, but I don't think I'm pretty either. I don't really see myself as a person. If I stare too long I just see a weird meat suit that I'm trapped inside. It's not me, but also it is. I haven't been able to ever accept that. I can never recognise myslef, in the mirror, in photos, or even a passing reflection in a window or puddle. I just see this thing people call by my name.

I feel like a body snatcher, an alien trapped inside another human's body. Pretending to be a human. I can't think like normal people, I don't feel like normal people, I can't socialize like normal people, I don't sound like normal people, I don't act like normal people. I am not normal. It's like, im on a prank show, just waiting for the camera crew to walk in and tell the gag. But there isn't one. The only joke is my life, that I'm me pretending to be someone I'm not, while everyone else gets to just be themselves.

Somedays, I look at myself in the mirror, and think what would happen if I just cut it all off. The meat off these fragile bones. What would I look like? Would the skeleton left be a better resemblance of how I feel on the inside? Or would it be better to just wear a mask, and hide behind something more palatable to the rest of the world? Needles and knives can make a lot of changes, none I ever cared for, not that I've cared much for my current appearance either.

Maybe I just don't like being reminded that I'm still existing.

Even in my dreams, I'm most happy when I no longer exist. Dreams of future families and children, but somehow I'm always dead. The dead wife, leaving behind her loving husband and children. Its like I'm just floating, watching everyone's lives continue without me, for the better.

They always tell you, you can't love someone until you learn to love yourself. I just don't see that ever happening. I just am not capable of that. So I start to wonder why bother. Why keep existing in a body I don't like. Why keep existing in a life I don't want. Why keep existing when I'll always be alone. Why bother. I look in the mirror and am jealous of the reflection, that they don't exist, just a glimmer of a false reality. While I'm stuck in the real world. The mirror is a reminder that I can't be perfect, that I am quite far from it. I crave perfection so bad, and mirrors are just reminders that I can never achieve it. I look in the mirror and just wish I saw someone else, anyone but me.