How I’ve been feeling lately

Lately I’ve just been feeling like I’m spiralling down a never ending dark hole. I have no motivation for my school work or social life. I’m beginning to fade from my friends. I make excuses to not attend social outings. I just feel like sitting and doing nothing. Lying in my bed doing nothing. Just staring at the ceiling. I don’t even have to motivation to watch an episode of anything. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I have barely handed in any assignments this semester and midterms are coming up this week and the week following reading week. I have no motivation to study or make any notes. I feel like giving up because I can‘t get my work done any my grades are going to start slipping as a result.

I just feel like I need a break. A week far away from everything and everyone to relax. But I can’t. If it stop everything that’s on the go right now I fear I won’t ever get back on track. That I’ll be complacent with my shitty life. Accept my family’s shitty curse of becoming bums and never moving up in life. I should seek out help. Maybe. Maybe I really have mental health issues I need to work out. But I have no one to talk to. No one to understand my situation and the reason for the way I think and act. At the same time, accepting that issues lie is accepting that I am just like my mother. My greatest fear in life is that I will become just like. Narcissistic, uneducated, unloving, uncaring, insatiable, and worst of all, disconnected from reality. That is how I’m feeling. Disconnected from everything. Nothing feels real. everything just feels like nothingness. An empty void and space I cannot escape. I am not okay. I am slipping away. Nothing to grasp; to hold on to. Regularity is so far away now I don’t think I can get back to it. I can’t talk to my school friends. I’ve mentioned lightly in conversation some of the lighter things going on. The looks on their faces made me certain I cannot share any of the real and serious things going on and the emotions I am feeling. I have lost connection with almost all of my friends outside of school. So I am alone. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I just need someone to listen. But I can’t open up to anyone. I can’t have vulnerability. I don’t know how to express my feelings, thoughts, dreams, darkness. I guess nothing will change. I’m stuck. This sucks. I want to cry for help. But there is no one there to hear me. No one there who can help. There is no point in any of it. Hope. I don’t know when I will find it again.