The Dead Sea

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to say I miss you. I miss who you could have been. I missed having a mom. From the moment I entered this world I was abandoned, but I forgave you, a teen who couldn't handle the responsibility. I got a little bigger and you came around, but not that often, and I forgave you, for not understanding how to care for a toddler. You disappeared and came back to visit when I was a pre-teen, but you still never called me. You never asked me how I am, or who I was. You never had a job so you weren’t too busy, so why didn’t you? I was an angsty teen, but you still didn’t see me. You saw problems. That summer, not even a week in your “care” and you cut off all my hair because you didn’t understand it. Black and unruly; foreign textures that scared you. I grew into a woman, you still didn’t see me. You would talk and spend time with my other cousin, not me; I was too strange and weird for you to understand. She was easy, girly and normal. I didn’t understand why you just never liked me. Even now, I reached out and tried to help you remember that you get to be my mom, the coolest job in the world, but you don’t see it that way. Your cute little porcelain doll that you used to dress up to parade around and show off to your friends like I was a sparkling trophy, now worn and dull. I’m of no use to you, so why would you care? You still don’t know my favourite colour. You still never ask me how I’m doing, or how I’m feeling. You’ve never tried. Everyone makes mistakes, and I was your biggest one. I’ve mourned the loss of my mother since I was a young child. A mother I never had. I’ve learned it’s time to finally bury you, the idea of a Mother. I understand your circumstances and I wish things could have turned out different. I wish we could have had a chance to build a relationship, but the ship has long sailed, and the sea has turned to sand. There is nothing left here. Maybe one day, if that decrepit man finally came tumbling down, then you would be freed from the walls he’s built and a chance for a relationship to finally start to pool together if you wanted it to. It could be as great and vast and as warm as the Dead Sea, but unfortunately it's not a sea, it's just dead.